Ok everyone this is going to be a very looooooong, very honest post.

This has been an intense and deeply difficult month to say the least. Our sweet baby Kellan has dealt with so much already in his short little life. But let’s begin with some positive vibes shall we…

For all that he has had against him, our little Kellan has impressed ALL of his docs by hitting all of his milestones, some even ahead of time. Kellan is smiling and cooing. He is starting to grasp toys and has even rolled from his tummy to back several times. He is a champ at tummy time and gets that little noggin of his held nice and high. He is still a snuggly little guy and would mostly prefer to be held. He is loving all the attention he gets from his big brother. One day I over heard Liam explaining that we live on planet Earth and other informative knowledge about our solar system to him. Kellan is weighing in at 12lbs 11 oz and is 22 inches long. He is a little on the short side but the docs were very pleased with his weight gain considering all that he has had going on.

So here is what we have been dealing with. After Kellan failed his sleep study his pediatrician sent us to the pulmonary clinic at Children’s Hospital. There, we saw a wonderful doctor who spent so much time talking with us observing Kellan and making suggestions. Her first suggestion was to get a swallow study to see if he is aspirating into his lungs. The second suggestion was to get a sleep study to see if he has sleep apnea. In the meantime, we need to bump up his oxygen at night but he is ok to be off during the day. 

Kellan had his swallow study- he is aspirating into his lungs pretty much every time he swallows, also has severe reflux. They told me I need to stop breast feeding because he needs to be fed sitting straight up from a very slow flow nipple and we have to add a thickener. They said I can use expressed breast milk but that is probably not going to happen. I can’t keep pumping up with two kids! So it is good to have answers, the downside to all of this is that the thickener they want us to use has an FDA warning because 22 infants have died with linked problems from it. So Ryan and I wrestled with what to do for awhile. Either he aspirates and could potentially get pneumonia/ permanently damage his lungs or risk the complications with this thickener. Children’s is standing behind this thickener and said they haven’t had any issues with it so after a lot of prayer we are going to use it. I’m scared out of mind but it’s our only option right now. I have talked to countless different docs about alternatives and it all came down to this. Just HAVE to trust God is going to keep him safe.

Guys, I have struggled with some major post-partum anxiety. As mom it is normal to worry about your children, to an extent, but I have been extremely worried. I am in constant fear that he is not getting the oxygen he needs and will have permanent brain damage, or a kidney cyst will burst, or that his head is too small (it’s not) but I have made up some irrational worries in my mind. Throw in having to quit breastfeeding after it was seeming to go so well and you have a recipe for a very sad anxious Momma. I have been trying to be aware of these feelings and emotions and talk through them as much as possible to people I trust.

I have been extremely grateful for Ryan. He is such a rock for me and for our family. We have decided to this year’s goal is just to focus on each other and our boys. I know that might sound like a simple goal but Ryan is kind of a work- a-holic and I have a tendency to fill our schedule with waaaaay to many “activities” We are trying to slow down, put away our phones and computers and just BE with our babies. They are only this little for such a short amount of time and we don’t want to miss a thing. We have also decided to speak and think positively. Ryan and I can tend to be glass half empty people and this is something that we are striving to change. I’m so blessed to have a partner in this life who constantly challenges me to be a better version of myself.

Lastly, I just want to say thank you from the bottom of our hearts to everyone who has brought us meals, sent gifts, helped with Liam, texted/called, bought us coffee and prayed for us! If you are reading this I’m giving you a virtual hug! The love has been overwhelming and I wish I could do more to show our appreciation. It has been a saving grace to have such an amazing village of people rally around us when we desperately needed it. Very thankful to have you all in our lives!

P.S. Our families are the best ever. I love them all sooooooooo much!

Here are some photos of our beautiful boy Kellan Cole. I know one day I will think back to this time and probably not remember this grief and worry, but instead, remember this sweet face and the immense love that is forever cultivating for this perfect addition to our family.

 2017-01-25_0001 Rolling from his tummy to his back!2017-01-25_0002 2017-01-25_0003 The peace of mind..He wears it every night.2017-01-25_0004 2017-01-25_0005 That bellybutton. 2017-01-25_0006 He is always willing to help. Never once has he whined about his brother. 2017-01-25_0007 Liam is so excited that he is starting to take an interest in his toys.
2017-01-25_0008 2017-01-25_0009 All this dark hair coming in!!2017-01-25_0010 Biceps. 2017-01-25_0011 I know that the day will come when they disagree and fight…but let’s just soak in this sweet unconditional love for right now. 2017-01-25_0012 2017-01-25_0013 My mom has photos of me climbing in the crib with Jonathan. I have always cherished those photos…and here are my littles doing the same thing. Liam reminds me a lot of myself and my bond with Jon. Every photo from our childhood is me holding Jon or loving on him. We are still close and that is my prayer for my children. Please always be there for one another! *Side note-Liam is huge. 2017-01-25_0014 2017-01-25_0015 2017-01-25_0016 Kellan has been sleeping in his bed since once month! He is doing 5-6 hour stretches at night which has been great! 2017-01-25_0017 2017-01-25_0018 2017-01-25_0019 2017-01-25_0020 He has my heart. 2017-01-25_0021 2017-01-25_0022 Turtle talk. 2017-01-25_0023 2017-01-25_0024 2017-01-25_0025 OH MY GOSH!!! I love him so!2017-01-25_0026 2017-01-25_0027 2017-01-25_0028