Thank you all for praying for Kellan and for us. Ryan and I are just running on fumes trying to keep this family of ours pressing forward. There are good days and bad. We have been hit hard this last week, not only with Kellan’s arising medical issues, but several other personal issues as well. We keep trying to lean on one another but we both handle grief differently and it’s hard.
We just need some relief. Some good news. A win. Something that encourages us to keep going because right now we are just exhausted in every way. Everyone keeps telling me to be thankful that Kellan is here and that his issues aren’t this or that. And while I am very thankful for those things, it doesn’t make this any easier. Not when I’m watching his oxygen levels at 2 o’clock in the morning or spending thousands of dollars in medical bills, or worrying about how these issues could affect his future.
Not only that, but I have another amazing child that I feel has had to be put on the back burner and that is killing me. Now, I will say from the moment we told Liam that he was a big brother there has been nothing but love and incredibly mature understanding of every situation from him. He is so selfless when it comes to his baby brother. I was crying the other night before Ryan got home and Liam came and wrapped his sweet little (giant) arms around me and said “don’t cry mommy I am here to help you with anything you need. I can do the dishes for you, I know it’s hard with Kellan.” Then he kissed my cheek. I was just beside myself. Here is this little four year old boy with so much compassion, sympathy and complete awareness of what I am going through. I am just so proud of this little human that we are raising. I mentioned to someone the other day that I wished they could be a little closer in age and they said that it was meant to be this way so that Liam could be as helpful and understanding as he is. Truth!
I’m starting to feel some deep grief. Sometimes paralyzing grief where it takes everything in me to peel myself out of bed. And sometimes all I want to do is cry. I’m overwhelmed with the constant worry and the extra effort it takes having a baby with medical issues. I keep thinking is this my fault? Did I eat something wrong when I was pregnant, was it the shingles medicine?! I can’t help it.
I know a few of you have asked how I’m doing and in complete honesty I’m barely keeping it together. I wish I could be stronger than I’m being. I pray for strength every single day. Again, I know there are babies and parents going through much worse than we are. But, I don’t WANT my baby to be sick. I’m over it. I find myself wishing for this time to pass so that he will grow out of these issues but then I get so sad that I’m wishing time away. How precious is this time?!? And here I am wishing for it to be gone. It’s a complex emotion.
We came home Friday from getting his ear wells placed on and he was coughing like crazy, visibly miserable with his oxygen on, and he looked at me and gave me the sweetest little smile I have ever seen. And it made me so happy and so sad. He doesn’t deserve this. He is sweetest little boy, he should not have to deal with this crap all over his head, his lungs struggling to breathe and these giant cysts inside his body. It’s not fair.
I love my husband and our children with everything in me. We are in the eye of the storm. Trying to hold tight to each other.
The boat will not sink.
The storm will not last forever.
Sean sent me a text the other night with the meaning of the McCarthy coat of arms… “Forti et tibeli nihil difficile” which means ‘Nothing is difficult to the brave and faithful’.
Imprinting those words on my heart and trying my best to set that standard for our family.Happy no matter what. What great things you will accomplish my son.